This is Chapter 9 in its entirety. It’s from my first book, “Parenting from Out of Bounds” and just fits here. A must for youth parents – especially if you are an athlete/coach yourself!
Why We’re Not Experts to Our Kids
“I’m not doing this again next year. I swear this is my last time. I think I’m going to have a heart attack!”
<an hour later on the way home>
“I love doing this! What a fantastic day!”
— Chad Peters
One way of controlling your environment and what role sports/dance/education plays for your kid is to become the coach/teacher/scout leader yourself. I do it. It’s gratifying at times, and it’s a great way to spend time with your kids outside of the house. Mostly a win/win.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT #1: They will never see you as the expert.
Our family is in the middle of soccer, volleyball, basketball, flag football, and surfing season! So both as parents and coaches, we are involved!
As a sports-based chiropractor. I spend a significant amount of time and energy on human performance. I love helping people of all ages to become faster, stronger, and more energetic. I’m a 5th generation coach – that and teaching are in my genetics, and they are my passion. And lucky for me, my expertise is especially appropriate for the age of my kids and teams right now.
I often hear parents say, “It’s nice to have you as the coach, because when we tell our kids what to do, they won’t listen.”
That’s real! Why?
It’s challenging to be an expert for your own kids. It’s true for Nikki and me as well. Look at our teams; there are ten kids paying attention, fired up, and ready to go to battle for team “Fire.” Then zoom out. My two girls are doing cartwheels 20 feet away.
I’m just the dad. I’m barely the coach, much less the expert.
The other kids might think I invented the sport and what I say is gold. But to mine, I’m just the guy who changed their diapers.
Don’t be discouraged if this is also your reality. “Why won’t they listen to me??!! I played college ball, for crying out loud!”
I have found the holy grail of solutions:
FRIENDS.
Many of my friends also coach and they’re the ones who serve as the experts for my kids. It took a minute to adjust to, but I’ve seen the light and learned from my mistakes. You can be a Hall of Fame athlete or coach, but (eye roll), no advice from dad, please!
I joke with new parent coaches that I know a little-known historical fact: “Vito Columbus,” yeah, Christopher’s kid, learned to sail from one of his friends. It was pretty much peer pressure alone that made his, although lesser-known, equal in longevity, sailing career profitable and secure.
Ego aside, stop worrying and see it from the kid’s perspective. You’ll see why, for millennia, parents have rarely been the experts. Even the best coaches in the world use outside help.
Here’s why:
They’ve seen you in your underwear.
Plain and simple. How can you be an expert when the kids know you like that?
They’ve seen you in the shower, swearing as you slide across the floor on the single Lego left behind, bed head before the coffee has kicked in, hungover, cursing at traffic, doling out threats regarding clothes on the floor, shaking your fist like an old “you kids get off my lawn!” grouch. Whining, pouting, and begging for them to just Go. To. Bed. Please!!!
We are intimately tied to our kids, which is marvelous. But it does lend itself to familiarity and comfort – undeniable traits that keep you from being the end-all-be-all expert of the universe. And truth be told, the actual job of parents is in the comfort and familiarity department. That’s called social development. That is the real stuff. Confidence and security. That’s our #1 job and something to be proud of. So, let someone else be the expert in other areas.
Be okay using others, especially in early development, new ideas, and skills. You are still the person they trust and love the most, and they will always come back to you. Be the one who supports what the coach says and helps to reiterate the lessons they need. If you see that your kid needs something specific, ask the coaches to bring up the ideas you want to instill. The different perspectives and delivery will help cement the ideas for your children.
We all learn differently. Comprehension is person specific. Just like the examples I gave from Chapter 4, as a coach, instead of saying the same thing five times louder and louder, say the same thing five different ways. More than likely, one way will click and make sense.
That’s why I use other coaches and friends who coach (even a different sport) and why I try to teach parents the skills I want to instill. This way they can reiterate what we did in practice with their kids on the drive home, and maybe there is that “ah ha” moment.
Your kids’ universe is different from yours. Their perspective is different from yours, and the same information coming in different ways helps reinforce the lessons they need for sports, life, love, family, and development. By all means, please, still be a coach. It’s bonding time with your kids and their friends. I can’t tell you how much I love the time spent on the sidelines. Just use someone else if your child has a hard time with a specific skill or idea. And, maybe you can be the “friend expert” to another coach’s kid!
My son brought up a huge learning moment when, during a soccer match, he asked me, “Why are you yelling at me to stand over here?!” I said, “Buddy, this is your position for this game. I’m not yelling at you, I’m coaching the team. You’re on this team.”
One of the little girls on the sidelines matter-of-factly stated, “He thinks you’re yelling at him, and we all think you’re coaching.”
It’s a perspective issue that I wasn’t even aware of.
These little guys and girls are observant. So when they see others listening to your advice and ideas and know the type of people you bring into their circle, they’ll eventually get the point and understand that you actually do know something about whatever it is you’re yammering on about over there. And if you don’t, they know you’ll find someone who does.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT #2: Your child acts differently when you are not around.
“Casen is such a helper in class! He is always so kind and works hard at his school work.” – Ms. K.
“Ms. K, are you sure we’re talking about the same kid?” – Me
Would you like to know who is optimal at seeing the world from your kid’s point of view? NOT US. It’s their teachers. They wear the black belts of “point of view.” They don’t agree with everything your kids say and do. They just see their point of view and move on, understanding that ideas, thought processes, and the importance of things in life such as fire trucks, dinosaurs, and princess dresses are ever-evolving.
Have you ever noticed how your kids get when they see their teacher at the grocery? They stiffen up and get big eyes like, “Whaaaat?”
That’s because our kids can’t separate their teachers from being anything other than that! The concept that they are real people with real lives is just too far out there. They have their place in the kids’ daily lives, and to them, “Don’t they live at the school and think of nothing but furthering the human race by the education of the youth?”
About the time second grade hits, you’re going to find yourself saying to their teachers, “I can’t understand how my kid does that for you. They will never do that for me.” They hear this all the time.
Basically speaking, Parent/Teacher conferences are only of two varieties:
Complaints: P/T conference where the parents gripe about a teacher not doing things the parent’s way.
Confused yet pleased: P/T conference praising the teacher for being able to have a relationship with your child that you as the parents do not.
The facility that allows #2 to happen is a gift that good teachers have.
Don’t be jealous. Don’t be upset. Don’t be confused. Embrace this. There is beauty and personal growth for your children that comes with cultivating relationships with others. It’s an intrinsic, survival, and developmental feature that humans have used to evolve. It is why we’ve built clans, tribes, societies, and empires. So go ahead and be mind blown, be envious even, but also have the maturity and satisfaction that you have raised this tiny human to adapt, learn, emulate, and create their own decisions from multiple people and factors.
At the end of each day, you’re still mom and dad…the smartest, strongest, kindest, and most special people in the whole world, even in your underwear.
